How do i feel

Half truth

They said i should write, so I'll write.
After seeing my results and not getting what I wanted, i made a tweet about crying myself till i felt weak. It was a joke, of course, but my body took it seriously. I cried and cried, and i might begin crying as I'm writing this. In the evening, i stopped crying because I had to go for badminton practice. My school surprisingly chose me to represent them at the NPUGA games. Probably the most stupid idea they've gotten in a while. No insult to my captain who deemed me worthy. But picking me, after i took a one school session break, was a ...lemme just keep it to myself.
The practice was good. I thought to myself, alas something to soothe the pain.
Tell me why i woke up the next morning and i started crying again ??????

My first instinct was to reach out to my mother. Maybe she'd have some things to say to restructure my brain.
She scolded the fuck out of me because once again her overachieving daughter was killing herself because she didn't get what she wanted.

Hear me out
What i wanted, not the pass mark or grade. What i wanted

My lovely Nigerian mother called everyone she knew would talk some sense into me. Unknown to them, as they kept mentioning it, saying congratulations, giving advice, saying "it's not the end of the world", saying "it's not by first class, you'll make it in life" and all, i was still crying. So i started avoiding the calls, avoiding conversations about my results or education or God or motivation or whatever. I stopped speaking to people who knew how much I wanted it. I don't know why. Something about being vulnerable and being perceived as weak. I removed myself from spaces that encouraged my greed.
I'd distract myself by playing badminton till i was exhausted. Then I'd fall asleep, wake up, try to write or find another hobby to keep my head out of it or I'd fall asleep and have nightmares.
"Am i depressed?", I'd ask myself.
"Nooooo, i can't be. Depression comes gradually. ", I'll reply in my head.

It's some days to my game and I'm failing. Not like I care but it's just pathetic imagining how I'd fail or let my team down because I'm the weak link.
Let's not talk about the multiple times I've had issues with the crowd. I hate crowds. They scare me. I don't fit in here. I'm tired of clinging to the handful friends I've managed to make. The faux confidence thing isn't working, and it feels like anyone who stares for long can see through it.
And now I'm just here thinking about how I don't want to be here or how I can't wait to lose so I'll join the medics. Everyone keeps saying "just have fun." Have fun? There's toxicity in every corner occupied by an opposing school and they're not ashamed of showing it. Let's not speak about the threat of our sports director to cut our allowance if we lose the first game.
I'll try to have fun. Everyone else seems to be so confident that they'll win and there's the pressure of not being the first team from our school to lose. Anytime someone comes over to watch us practice they're always giving looks of “YOU ARE A FAILURE YOU CAN NEVER MAKE IT! YOU DESERVE TO BE A DINNER MAN….” you know that video…if you don't sorry.

I'm exhausted of the things that go on in my head. The noise,  the chaos.

"Always the bridesmaid never the bride "

Do you know how that feels?
To fit into multiple pastel coloured dresses and help the bride raise her train or hand her a fan while she's sweating off her makeup?
But never be the one to throw a bouquet of flowers backwards for the next lucky bride
Or to keep catching the flowers and never to throw yours?
It's sad. It's hurtful. Pathetic
It's taking over my whole life, draining me.
Even if someone advised me a thousand times never to tie my worth to my achievements...what am i supposed to tie my worth to? What do i identify as without these multiple wins of mine? A loser? A failure? A weak link?
I don't know who I am. And it's so sad.
Another reason why it's sad is because this seems like a cry for help
But guess what?
No one understands and no one can save me. It's sad watching my loved ones try to give scenarios of how there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm tired, exhausted.
I want to go home. But I'm grown now. Time waits for no one. And i can't keep running to my comfort zone while my life falls apart.
I have to be an "adult". Not the girl who cries when her teacher scolds her for making a mistake in her maths exam or the one that has panic attacks simply because she failed an end of posting test. This is life's way of teaching me how to dance with failure. It's as if it threw 10 modules titled “Dealing with Failure” to me and asked me to prepare for an incourse in this slow month of August.

I'm tired. I want to leave here. I want to be lost in all this madness. Not negatively lost. Peacefully lost like the leaves of a willow tree dancing in the breeze.

My licensing board exams are coming up. I hope i win.

Bye